Out of sheer apathy, I’ve decided to start an advice column for men. Today’s topic is…
Tips for Online Dating ProfilesThe other day I browsed through online personal ads out of curiosity. A few of my friends have met wonderful partners online so I thought that I’d investigate. But rather than revelling in this experience, I was somewhat taken aback: it seemed to me that most (but not all) guys did not know how to write thoughtful personal ads. As a result, and out of heartrending sympathy for the male species, I’ve decided to offer a few tips:
1. Do not say that you’re looking for a girl who is “smart, sexy and fun.” This is a redundant statement as most guys seem to seek girls with these qualities. It would be like asking to date someone with two eyes, two ears and a chin.
2. Do not ask for a girl who has her life “together” and who “knows what she wants.” The truth is that no one really knows what “having one’s life together” means. And most people only have a tentative idea of what they want out of life. The majority of girls maintain a general level of “togetherness,” and it makes girls intimidated to think that guys expect them to be monolithic and always on par. It’s OK to go to pieces every once and a while; doing so does not mean that you’re as dissembled as a galaxy of stars.
3. Only mention height if you’re a hobbit or are extraneously tall and therefore require someone of an anomalous height to complement yours.
4. Do not say that you’re looking for a blonde girl who is less than 120 pounds, 5’5, has green-eyes, plays varsity sports, has a large chest and is left-handed.
5. You can probably think of a better caption than “my soul bleeds for you” or “two hearts fuse into one.”
6. It is OK to talk about what you have learned in previous relationships, but be terse.
7. Be honest.
8. Try to be funny.
9. Do not say that you are looking for a girl who drinks beer like she has a Y chromosome, hugs trees, lifts weights like a fiend, does not require make-up, never sleeps and eats tonnes of sausage. Most girls are located on a gradient of femininity, and although it is OK to ask for someone who is low maintenance, don’t expect a bearded princess with a six pack stomach and a voice lower than Toni Braxton’s.
10. Please do not say that you’re looking for someone who “believes that having sex is part of falling in love.”
11. Do not say that you work out like an animal or a slave. This statement is
a turn-off because it suggests that you are not comfortable with your body.
12. And finally (my best advice) do not say that you’re looking for someone with “no baggage.”--this statment automatically cancels out all of Indonesia, Iraq, Palestine, Afghanistan, South India, West Malaysia, Bangladesh, West Thailand and most of Manhattan. I was shocked to see how many guys listed this prerequisite, and it suddenly made sense to me why these guys were still single. Let’s be honest about this: life is full of challenges and trials and people everywhere require a helping hand. Although it is not wise to burden your partner with “baggage,” a prerequisite of a good relationship is a certain level of emotional support. If you are not able or willing to provide your partner with emotional support, then perhaps you’re not cut-out for a serious relationship. Being a genuine partner is also about being a good sounding board.
* I apologize for the generalized, essentialist nature of this blog. I'm sure women (as in XX women and not the "gender" women) make equally superficial personal ads for men. If I had more patience with the female species, I would comb through their ads as well and provide an overall synopsis.
